Steven Hellman

Ah, dear Steve. The original heartbreaker in my life. We met while on a semester program at American University in Washington DC. I decided I liked him before he decided he liked me- figures, that's usually how I rolled back then. Eventually, he won my heart over by telling me that he did care for me- I will never forget hearing the sound of Chaka Khan's "I Feel For You" that evening. That night in the club, we finally kissed. And then the trouble started.

Steve didn't want to let anyone know that we were dating, because we had a close knit group of friends. So I had to keep my mouth shut, and we had to do a lot of sneaking around. I am pretty sure it broke my heart because I felt he was ashamed to be dating me. He also wanted me to do more gym time, and so I also felt I wasn't physically good enough for him, either.

But despite my hurt feelings, I loved him. He was a good boy, from a good family and a cautious person. He would be a terrific provider, and he made me laugh. We had a lot of fun hanging out together. He wrote me a huge long love letter when we parted, which I have hung on to until this very day.

And then the relationship sputtered over the long distance, and we saw each other sporadically. I went to visit him at Penn State, and he came to visit me on Spring Break. I went to his college graduation. I knew his family and his best friends. I wanted to marry him.

But Steve would have nothing to do with me except as an old friend. I continued to reach out, making a fool of myself with one of his best friends one night. I drove all the way to DC just to see him again.

Eventually, I gave up. We maintain sporadic contact now. He's 47, and still has never married. We are now Facebook friends, and I see that he has a nice girlfriend. I wish him happiness, and sometimes I wonder what might have been.